reSOULutions

I always hate the start of a new year. For one, the gym becomes inundated with new hopefuls and it’s hard to get in my workout. Which, ok, often consists of finding a space where I can sit and look at the treadmill and hope I get a better body through osmosis. For two, I am forced to reflect on the past year and how I seemed to make even more mistakes than the year before, so what’s to say I won’t triple my mistakes this go around? And lastly, a new year means a new birthday and one step closer to my 30s and aren’t I supposed to have kind of figured this life thing out by now?

The other day I sat down to make my usual New Years Resolution list and it took a good thirty minutes because just when I thought it was finalized, I’d think of another thing to work on. It looked a little something like this:

1. Be more organized/cleaner

2. Read more

3. Work out more

4. Cook better

5. Save money

6. Write every day

7. Get better at guitar

8. Meditate every day

9. Get more involved in the community

10. Volunteer

11. Travel more

12. Study and continue to learn

But when I finished, I balled up that list, threw it in the trash and wrote a new one:

1. Get your shit together.

But hear me out. “Getting my shit together” doesn’t mean being perfect. Instead, it means falling in love with my imperfections. Embracing all that I am—the 27 year old that still breaks out in teenage pimples, the girl that flies all the way back to Nashville only to realize she’s left her apartment and car keys back home in Mississippi, the woman who puts dish cleaning soap into the dishwasher only to have an apartment full of bubbles—embracing it all. Because I’ve spent too many years out of love with myself.

“Getting my shit together” means loving myself and loving this world. Knowing that we all have things we want to hide in our past or our present but that failing to share our struggles prevents us from connecting on the deepest level with others. Hiding our flaws and mistakes means we may miss an opportunity to help better not only someone’s day but someone’s life. Trying to be perfect means we are failing to recognize the world’s imperfections and in doing so, we shut ourselves off from the world’s gifts. We are blind to the simple ways God is speaking to us each day.

“Getting my shit together” means I apologize to all the people I’ve hurt this year, but also forgiving myself for those mistakes. I’ve burdened my family, my friends, and even strangers because of how I’ve chosen to deal with my imperfections, and I will always live with that past. But I will forgive myself because at the time it was the best way I knew how to deal with what I was given. I will forgive myself for shutting out my soul and turning to what’s outside rather than what’s inside of me.

“Getting my shit together” means I will no longer try to numb the crazy emotions that come with being human. I will embrace my grief, my anger, my hurt as much as I will embrace my happiness, my peace, my love. I will learn to dance when it rains and I will learn that its ok to have days where I sit on my couch for 6 hours and binge watch old episodes of Friends. I will scream when I’m angry and damnit I will let my tears flow freely when I’m sad. I will let my soul speak instead of willing it to be quiet. I will let my soul speak to the world.

For now, though, my soul just wants a Netflix binge.